The Power of Learning to Say No
It’s no question that being able to say no to things that don’t serve or align with us enables us to make decisions that are right for us in that moment. We’re not acting to please others, or because we’re fearful of letting people down, or because we feel obligated to say yes - which typically happens a lot, especially when you’re in a cascade of change around your fitness, lifestyle, and nutrition, and it can be confusing.
Learning the power of saying no is a skill that you can cultivate to help you do more of the things you actually want to do and gain more control over how you spend your money and energy.
This is where you recognise you have the power to decide.
No is a decision.
Yes is a responsibility.
- James Clear
You get to choose how you show up and own the decisions you make.
Everyone can benefit from understanding why saying no is important in life. As humans, we are inclined to want to say yes in situations, whether it’s to not let someone down or not let ourselves down. It can be extremely hard to say no when friends are pushing to go out for another drink or stay out longer, but saying no more often provides significant benefits to our overall mental health. It creates space that allows us to set clear boundaries and other behavioural standards.
If the benefits of saying no are greater than saying yes, then why do we say yes more often?
Often, we agree to requests because we don’t want to seem rude, arrogant, or unsupportive. So we say yes to things to help be there for others, putting their needs before our own.
Of course we want to help or collaborate, and maybe we will need their help in the future too. But when it starts to take a toll on your time and energy, it’s vital to be able to understand where our motivation to say yes is coming from.
Why we say yes
To explore why saying no is important, looking at why we say yes is a good place to start.
1. Avoiding Confrontation
Very few people enjoy confrontation. When we feel saying no will put more pressure or tension on us, we tend to say yes to prevent those feelings. This seems mad, but we’ve all been there. If someone falls out with you based on you saying no to something, however, then that’s a problem with them - not you!
2. Pleasing Others
Think of a “Yes Man” – someone who all too often says yes to please other people. Most of us do this to a lesser extent, because we generally want to help the interests of others. Which is great, but if you’re putting others first at the expense of your energy and mental capacity then you need to re-evaluate your values and boundaries.
3. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
FOMO is very much a real thing, and when we feel as if saying no will prevent us from experiencing something we perceive others will, saying yes feels like the only natural option.
4. Compulsivity
Sometimes people feel naturally compelled to “overdo it” and say yes to any situation out of compulsion. You don’t need to do all the things!
The difference between yes and no
In the wise words of James Clear: “When you say no, you are only saying no to one option. When you say yes, you are saying no to every other option.
I like how the economist Tim Harford put it: “Every time we say yes to a request, we are also saying no to anything else we might accomplish with the time.” Once you have committed to something, you have already decided how that future block of time will be spent.
In other words, saying no saves you time in the future. Saying yes costs you time in the future. No is a form of time credit. You retain the ability to spend your future time however you want. Yes is a form of time debt. You have to pay back your commitment at some point.
No is a decision. Yes is a responsibility.”
Understanding the role of no
Being able to say no is an important skill to develop at this point in your life as it pertains to your most important two assets: time and energy. As the investor Pedro Sorrentino put it, “If you don’t guard your time, people will steal it from you.” This speaks so much truth - like the colleague who speaks for an hour with you on a topic that only needs 5 minutes, or the stranger in the cafe talking about their life - all well and good but you have a gym class to get to or a book to read.
The key is that you need to say no to whatever isn’t leading you forwards and toward your goals. Say no to distractions.
Steve Jobs had a great way of putting it: “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully.” It’s like choosing the people you spend your time with, the news you listen to, or the social media feeds you scroll through.
It’s time to upgrade your no
As you grow over time, your strategy for life needs to evolve and your approach to new situations. What will you say in the future? How will you show up for what you need?
It’s one thing saying no to distractions, but a key way to master this skill is being able to say no to good opportunities, creating room for the great. Being aware and observant of how you respond in different situations and personality types is key. When you know the core of who you are and are clear on your values and priorities, people will try to unknowingly derail you or zap your energy. So it’s super important to set those boundaries and communicate them clearly.
Value: My time to go to the gym
Boundary: After work I will go to the gym, instead of after office drinks
Communication: I won’t join you for drinks tonight, I’m heading to the gym
Initially, people may try to persuade you otherwise. I get it. I used to get it a lot and I still do from time to time. However, because I was so certain of what I wanted to do I said no enough times, and they got bored of asking. Which was great, and I was able to turn up to the things I actually wanted to, rather than what I felt obliged to.
Learning to say no
Even if we begin to implement these thought processes into our mindset, we will still find ourselves in numerous situations where saying “yes” feels like the better decision. So how do we know exactly when to say no? How do we know if it feels right or wrong?
When learning to say no, ask yourself certain questions about the situation: Will saying yes prevent me from focusing on something that’s more important? Will saying yes make me even more tired or burnt out? These questions give us the framework to know when it’s time to say no.
Other tips to help you learn to say no include:
Rehearse – Ask yourself these questions, and rehearse the way you wish to convey your point.
Be honest – There is never a need to lie about why you are saying no.
Offer alternatives – Sometimes providing another way to go about something can help prevent you from saying yes.
Don’t rush – You don’t need to say no to everything. Give yourself time to think through the consequences of committing, and then give a considered response.
Most of us are probably too quick to say yes and too slow to say no. It’s worth asking yourself where you fall on that spectrum.
Here’s 10 ways to say no:
Sadly, I have something else going on.
I have another commitment.
I wish I were able to.
I’m afraid I can’t.
I don't have the bandwidth for that right now.
I’m honoured you asked me, but I simply can’t.
Thanks for thinking of me. However, I’m not able to.
I’m sorry, I’m not able to fit this in.
Unfortunately, I already have plans. Maybe next time!
No, thank you, but it sounds lovely.
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no! Simply put, if it doesn’t excite you don’t go for it. Don’t do something half heartedly if you’re really not into it!
The power of no
In the words of James Clear: “More effort is wasted doing things that don’t matter than is wasted doing things inefficiently. And if that is the case, elimination is a more useful skill than optimisation.”
